An Emotional Affair

I know there's a possibility of new readers here. People who don't know me or my story from 'Lit'. So, I'll explain. About a year ago, this month, I met someone on said website. His name will be 'J'. Yes, he was married. Happily. Basically, he posted on my thread and we eventually started sharing private messages on the same website. He wasn't like any of the other men who sent me messages. We had extremely long conversations through these messages. And I mean long. Like, 6-10 paragraphs a message. We shared a lot of things. A lot of it was sexual, but there was also just normal, everyday banter. I just enjoyed talking to him. I'd look forward to his messages every day, pine for them actually. After talking for a month or two through messages, we started talking on a messenger app. From there, we just started talking every day. I don't know how everything happened, or how soon, or how much later on in the 'friendship' that things started to get more serious, but it did.

 I honestly fell in love with this man, without even meeting him. We shared everything but a physical relationship, and some might say that it isn't a true relationship simply because of that fact. That might be true, but regardless of that, I fell for him. I remember the first time we were beating around the bush about 'love'. I just said it. I typed the words, "I love you." It was so scary! I didn't know if that's what he was leaning towards, but I just had to get it out there. I know my heart was pounding like a freight train! I can't imagine actually being face-to-face with him and saying it, if that's what I was feeling simply typing three words of text. He said it back to me and the rest was pretty much history. I loved him. Truly. Madly. And he said he loved me too. I was always skeptical, but that's just me. I had a shitty father, and it's extremely difficult for me to trust men or what they say. I never thought he was lying, I just thought maybe he didn't love me as much or as fully as I loved him. That might not be true, that's just what I felt.

 So, after spending a year investing a massive amount of time talking to him and sharing personal problems, happy times, etc., his wife found out about everything. I don't know how, because I never got to talk to him. I just assumed she got a hold of his phone or something. It doesn't really matter, because he's gone. Everything kind of blew up and just happened so fast. I knew things were going to be bad when he sent me a secretive text Saturday morning after I got off work. My heart dropped, because I knew then that it was probably over between us. He'd always told me he loved his wife, he was happy with his marriage. He never had any intentions of leaving his wife. I knew all of this. I wasn't holding out hope that we were going to leave our spouses and be together forever or something. I just thought he could be someone that I loved. To be honest, for the rest of my life. So, knowing that his wife knew about us, caused an immediate reaction in me. I was scared. The only thing I wanted was to have a conversation with him before we never spoke again. I never got that chance. She used his messaging app to message me, and was asking a few questions. She had copies of chat logs, but none from recently. She wanted to read what I had from the past day, and I told her I wasn't sure she should read it. I pretty much begged her to let me say goodbye to him. She told me she'd think about it. I got a text the next day that read, "My wife is willing to work on things, but I can't ever talk to you again. This is my final chance to talk to you and I just wanted to say goodbye." That's all I got from him. It was cold, and unfeeling. I just wanted something more than that. I knew it was over, but I wanted him to feel something. I wanted him to tell me how much it hurt him to say goodbye to me. How much he was going to miss me. That it would kill him to never hear my voice again. I wanted to hear those things because they were all the things I was feeling, and wanted to say. I simply told him that I was sorry for causing all the mess. I told him I loved him one last time, and that I hoped he had a truly wonderful life with his wife. Sending that message killed me. It still does. I  still have it on my phone. I still continually look at it. I don't know why I keep torturing myself by reading it. Maybe because it seems like he's still there, even though we can never have contact again.

 I'm sure people will tell me to delete everything I have of his, and maybe someday I will. But for now, I couldn't possibly do that. I still need to feel like I have some part of him. Like he's not gone. Like he didn't vanish and take my heart with him. So now, I have to recover from this. And I have to recover from it alone. It's hard to be happy. Put on a happy face for my husband like nothing is wrong. Laugh with my friends and family, when I just want to curl up in a ball and cry. I don't even know how to navigate this. I don't know how to get over this. I feel like I'm bound to be stuck feeling this way for a good long while, and that scares the hell out of me.

I think I just need closure. I wish I had it, because the main question I keep asking myself in my head is, "Do you feel the same way I do, 'J'. Is this killing you as much as it's killing me?"


"And now you’re just a ghost.
When I look back never would have known that
You could be so cold.
Like a stranger vanished like a vapor.
There's just an echo where your heart used to be
Now I see it clearly."