Playtime Pondering.

You know what? Masturbating just hasn't been as good lately. Yes, I still do it daily. Several times, I might add. It's not near as fun as when I could share it with you. I loved taking pictures for you, sharing them with my dear friends on Lit, or even the special ones that were only for you. I miss how excited I used to be about sharing that side of me with you. The side that you knew better than anyone else. You just knew how to press every single one of the right buttons. How can I find that again? It was more than just sexual. That's why it was so good...because I loved you. And you aroused me in more ways than just between my legs. It was my heart, my mind, and my body. I want that back. I pulled up one of your personal videos today for the first time since everything went to hell. I've wanted to for a while, but I wasn't sure if I could stay focused enough on getting myself off without missing you and feeling like some sort of depressed robot going through the motions. I was lying on my bed, headphones in, fully prepared to go back to that feeling I used to have every time I played one of your videos. I was always so giddy! I heard your voice, the voice I miss so much, playing in my ears and I just closed my eyes and listened for a few minutes. That's it. Just listened. And my heart hurt for a moment. Just a small ache to be able to hear you one more time. Eventually, the things you were saying, the things that push all of those buttons I love so much, eased the pain and distracted me. And before long, I exploded. Like you'd never even left. It was glorious. And I thank you even now, J.