The Good & The Bad.

Wow! It seems that each time I post something new here, it's because something drastic has happened in my life. I really would love to keep a current update going here but that's so difficult as of late. The last time I posted here was in December of last year. It's now almost 6 months later, and I am......TA DA! A new mom! And can I just tell you that I have never experienced something so wonderful in all my life. I remember when I was pregnant thinking that I wouldn't be able to do this whole motherhood thing right. I was terrified of the entire process. I was scared to death to go into labor, birth a child, and then care for him the rest of my life. I realize this isn't an uncommon feeling, I'm just letting everyone know my thought process before he was born! And now, he's 10 weeks old and I've made it so far. It really does come alot more naturally than I thought it would. I was worried I wouldn't be able to handle not sleeping more than an hour in a 24-hour period, but that hasn't even crossed my mind most of the time. I went back to work a few weeks ago, and for those of you that don't know, I work overnights. I went back and I was so worn out those first few days, but I remember thinking that I was so excited to go home at 5am and be with my baby. Even if  I had to go without sleep all day. He is everything I've ever wanted and didn't even know it. There is truly no greater love, I feel. Its like experiencing every emotion under the sun all at once. Fear, happiness, doubt, love, exhaustion, frustration, excitement. It's crazy! Someone recently asked me how I was doing, and I told them: "I'm doing good and bad. Is that possible?" Since this is my blog and personal outlet, what better place to share my feelings. The motherhood thing is going great. I couldn't be happier. But when it comes to my marriage, I feel like we're far apart again. I felt so close to him while I was pregnant. The thought of us welcoming our own little baby into the world made us that way. We were excited! And now that we have him, I feel like it's almost back to the way it was before we found out. I understand that we don't have time for each other like we did before, but there's more to it than that. I feel no connection to him whatsoever these days. I kiss him on the lips before he goes to work and I feel nothing. I hate it. And the fact that he hasn't even attempted to have sex with me or initiate any kind of intimacy really just honestly pisses me off beyond belief. It's the absolute most petty thing to complain about, but I really feel like it's the biggest problem we have. We lack a sexual connection. We don't have sex. How can you be close to your partner when they don't touch you, they don't try? You can't. And I crave that more than anything in this world. What woman doesn't want to be wanted? Every single person wants that, and I don't get it. I'm not going to say it's all his fault, because these past few months have been insanely rough on my vagina. LOL. But, it's the thought that counts, right? I thought he would be a little desperate to try again after so long, but I'M the one asking him to have sex. And I'm the one that's going to hurt! That's definitely saying something! I could go on and on about all the problems I have, and what's not going my way right now, but you know what? You gotta take the good with the bad, and right now my good far outweighs my bad.

A Turn of Events

The last time I created a blog post was in July of this year. Wow! That seems like so long ago. I almost feel like a different person now. Actually, in a lot of ways I AM a different person. Was I happy and content five months ago? Absolutely not. Not even close. Am I completely happy and content now? No, not exactly, but I'm far happier than I have been in a really long time. I think most people know my little sob story about the online 'love' affair I was having a year ago, that ended in March. It's hard to believe that I'm over that now. I was so stuck back then. I thought I would be depressed forever. I thought I wouldn't ever get over that. I even thought at one point that it would ruin my marriage. Not because my husband couldn't get over it, but because I couldn't get over it. I couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel. What's kind of ironic is something amazing came out of that huge disaster. I think most of the people that read my blog, also read what I post on Lit. If you're one of the rare people that only knows me from this blog, than you wont know that I'm currently twelve weeks away from having my first child. Yes, I'm about 7 months pregnant! Now back to the irony of all this. After I was contacted by the man's wife, with whom I had been talking to for over a year, I had to tell my husband everything that had happened. This was in the very beginning of June. Me and him didn't talk for days after that whole debacle. A couple days later, we finally talked to each other. I cried, he cried. And that day we had 'make-up' sex. Saying it that way seems to kind of trivialize how cathartic it actually was for the both of us, but I digress. Here's where the irony comes in. That day, was the day that I conceived our son! Crazy, right? One of the biggest mistakes (I see that now) that I've ever made, turned into one of the most incredibly amazing things that I could ever have imagined. It had to have been in God's crazy plan for me to get pregnant at that point in my life. Me and my husband had been having unprotected sex for almost 4 years, and I'd never gotten pregnant until June of this year. It's almost a miracle. A definite saving grace. I honestly think it saved my marriage too. I honestly don't think I've ever felt closer to him in the 5 years that we've been together. I was worried that I would never be able to be a mother, and now I'm going to be one in three months! So, for anyone who's been wondering how I'm really, truly feeling these days? This is it. I'm happy, terrified, excited, overwhelmed. I think I've been feeling almost every emotion under the sun these past few months. It's probably the little guy growing in my belly! The one thing I want you to get from this post, is that I'm happy! No more whining about what happened before, I have so many more exciting things to look forward to in my life! Also, because I'm totally an inspirational speaker, remember that everything happens for a reason. You might not see it in the hard times, and the times when you're down and depressed and want to scream, but when you finally turn that corner and something unexpectedly good happens, you'll know. You'll know that all that crying and tug-of-war within your soul was for a reason.

Sex.

I realize that certain people only want one thing from me. Sex.

Sex. Sex. Sex.

I like sex, but I need a connection. I crave a connection.

Things feel disjointed. Life feels all muddled. Ah well.

Lyrical.

Sara Bareilles' voice is so beautiful. This song nearly brings me to tears when I listen to it.

Just a small part of my day that I wanted to share with you. Go listen to it.

Breathe Again

Car is parked, bags are packed, but what kind of heart doesn't look back

At the comfortable glow from the porch, the one I will still call yours?

All those words came undone and now I'm not the only one

Facing the ghosts that decide if the fire inside still burns

All I have, all I need, he's the air I would kill to breathe

Holds my love in his hands, still I'm searching for something

Out of breath, I am left hoping someday I'll breathe again

I'll breathe again

Open up next to you and my secrets become your truth

And the distance between that was sheltering me comes in full view

Hang my head, break my heart built from all I have torn apart

And my burden to bear is a love I can't carry anymore

All I have, all I need, he's the air I would kill to breathe

Holds my love in his hands, still I'm searching for something

Out of breath, I am left hoping someday I'll breathe again

It hurts to be here

I only wanted love from you

It hurts to be here

What am I gonna do?

All I have, all I need, he's the air I would kill to breathe

Holds my love in his hands, still I'm searching

All I have, all I need, he's the air I would kill to breathe

Holds my love in his hands, still I'm searching for something

Out of breath, I am left hoping someday I'll breathe again

I'll breathe again

Melancholy.

Spending my birthday without you really sucks. Horribly. I'm happy, but I miss you today more than usual, J.

Eastbound.

Why does the sunrise remind me of you? God, that sounds fucking ridiculous. Every morning when I get off of work, I drive over a highway that heads East and can clearly see the sun rising. I guess that's why it reminds me of you. I look down that highway and think of how easy it would be to take a right and just drive. Towards you. I know that would never be acceptable, but it's what I think about. In a perfect world, right?

I need to write. A lot of things have been building up in my mind, lately. Energy eludes me at the moment, though. I need sleep. Until next time, internet universe.

Drunken Ramblings.

I've had 4 beers tonight. I'm intoxicated. I'm lonely. I'm sad. I'm hopeful. So many different emotions. I think whenever I drink, I turn to nostalgia. Those of you who have been reading my blog know that like 4 out 5 posts on here have been about him. And I'm sorry if it's getting old, or annoying, but that's just the way shit is. Someone who's been part of your life for that long doesn't just go away overnight. Thoughts of him don't go away in a few days, or after you've cried a few tears. Or even a few months. To be honest, I don't think they'll ever go away, but that's just me. It is true that I haven't hurt as much these days. I haven't cried for almost a week and a half. I haven't looked at your profile hoping to see that you'd logged on. I haven't read any of the things that I saved, from you. So, I guess at this point you could say I'm coping. That's the best way I can describe things right now. I don't think about you 24 hours a day, like I did before. Of course, I still think about you several times throughout my day. Little things remind me of you. I actually drove past a business. It was the same business you worked for. Damn, that shit hit me like a ton of bricks. It was crazy. The song, "Anywhere With You" always gets me. Coconut Passion lotion. Your love of running that made me want to start running. So. Many. Things. I'm definitely still not ok with you not being in my life. I've come to realize that all things good, don't always last. I feel like there's a reason for everything that happens in life. Even the horrible things that make us want to rip our hair out, or just lay in bed with tears streaming down our face. In fact, those things are the things that will make us stronger people in the end. Those are the things that build character. Cheesy right? I know. And NO, I absolutely don't feel like I've learned any lessons from all this. Yet. But I'm hoping that I will. There's totally no direction in this post. I was just thinking a lot of different things, and felt like writing them down. Or typing, I should say. It's been 38 days. And they've been some of the longest days of my life. Yes, I count. And yes, I've kept track. Is that bad?