A Turn of Events

The last time I created a blog post was in July of this year. Wow! That seems like so long ago. I almost feel like a different person now. Actually, in a lot of ways I AM a different person. Was I happy and content five months ago? Absolutely not. Not even close. Am I completely happy and content now? No, not exactly, but I'm far happier than I have been in a really long time. I think most people know my little sob story about the online 'love' affair I was having a year ago, that ended in March. It's hard to believe that I'm over that now. I was so stuck back then. I thought I would be depressed forever. I thought I wouldn't ever get over that. I even thought at one point that it would ruin my marriage. Not because my husband couldn't get over it, but because I couldn't get over it. I couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel. What's kind of ironic is something amazing came out of that huge disaster. I think most of the people that read my blog, also read what I post on Lit. If you're one of the rare people that only knows me from this blog, than you wont know that I'm currently twelve weeks away from having my first child. Yes, I'm about 7 months pregnant! Now back to the irony of all this. After I was contacted by the man's wife, with whom I had been talking to for over a year, I had to tell my husband everything that had happened. This was in the very beginning of June. Me and him didn't talk for days after that whole debacle. A couple days later, we finally talked to each other. I cried, he cried. And that day we had 'make-up' sex. Saying it that way seems to kind of trivialize how cathartic it actually was for the both of us, but I digress. Here's where the irony comes in. That day, was the day that I conceived our son! Crazy, right? One of the biggest mistakes (I see that now) that I've ever made, turned into one of the most incredibly amazing things that I could ever have imagined. It had to have been in God's crazy plan for me to get pregnant at that point in my life. Me and my husband had been having unprotected sex for almost 4 years, and I'd never gotten pregnant until June of this year. It's almost a miracle. A definite saving grace. I honestly think it saved my marriage too. I honestly don't think I've ever felt closer to him in the 5 years that we've been together. I was worried that I would never be able to be a mother, and now I'm going to be one in three months! So, for anyone who's been wondering how I'm really, truly feeling these days? This is it. I'm happy, terrified, excited, overwhelmed. I think I've been feeling almost every emotion under the sun these past few months. It's probably the little guy growing in my belly! The one thing I want you to get from this post, is that I'm happy! No more whining about what happened before, I have so many more exciting things to look forward to in my life! Also, because I'm totally an inspirational speaker, remember that everything happens for a reason. You might not see it in the hard times, and the times when you're down and depressed and want to scream, but when you finally turn that corner and something unexpectedly good happens, you'll know. You'll know that all that crying and tug-of-war within your soul was for a reason.

Sex.

I realize that certain people only want one thing from me. Sex.

Sex. Sex. Sex.

I like sex, but I need a connection. I crave a connection.

Things feel disjointed. Life feels all muddled. Ah well.

Lyrical.

Sara Bareilles' voice is so beautiful. This song nearly brings me to tears when I listen to it.

Just a small part of my day that I wanted to share with you. Go listen to it.

Breathe Again

Car is parked, bags are packed, but what kind of heart doesn't look back

At the comfortable glow from the porch, the one I will still call yours?

All those words came undone and now I'm not the only one

Facing the ghosts that decide if the fire inside still burns

All I have, all I need, he's the air I would kill to breathe

Holds my love in his hands, still I'm searching for something

Out of breath, I am left hoping someday I'll breathe again

I'll breathe again

Open up next to you and my secrets become your truth

And the distance between that was sheltering me comes in full view

Hang my head, break my heart built from all I have torn apart

And my burden to bear is a love I can't carry anymore

All I have, all I need, he's the air I would kill to breathe

Holds my love in his hands, still I'm searching for something

Out of breath, I am left hoping someday I'll breathe again

It hurts to be here

I only wanted love from you

It hurts to be here

What am I gonna do?

All I have, all I need, he's the air I would kill to breathe

Holds my love in his hands, still I'm searching

All I have, all I need, he's the air I would kill to breathe

Holds my love in his hands, still I'm searching for something

Out of breath, I am left hoping someday I'll breathe again

I'll breathe again

Melancholy.

Spending my birthday without you really sucks. Horribly. I'm happy, but I miss you today more than usual, J.

Eastbound.

Why does the sunrise remind me of you? God, that sounds fucking ridiculous. Every morning when I get off of work, I drive over a highway that heads East and can clearly see the sun rising. I guess that's why it reminds me of you. I look down that highway and think of how easy it would be to take a right and just drive. Towards you. I know that would never be acceptable, but it's what I think about. In a perfect world, right?

I need to write. A lot of things have been building up in my mind, lately. Energy eludes me at the moment, though. I need sleep. Until next time, internet universe.

Drunken Ramblings.

I've had 4 beers tonight. I'm intoxicated. I'm lonely. I'm sad. I'm hopeful. So many different emotions. I think whenever I drink, I turn to nostalgia. Those of you who have been reading my blog know that like 4 out 5 posts on here have been about him. And I'm sorry if it's getting old, or annoying, but that's just the way shit is. Someone who's been part of your life for that long doesn't just go away overnight. Thoughts of him don't go away in a few days, or after you've cried a few tears. Or even a few months. To be honest, I don't think they'll ever go away, but that's just me. It is true that I haven't hurt as much these days. I haven't cried for almost a week and a half. I haven't looked at your profile hoping to see that you'd logged on. I haven't read any of the things that I saved, from you. So, I guess at this point you could say I'm coping. That's the best way I can describe things right now. I don't think about you 24 hours a day, like I did before. Of course, I still think about you several times throughout my day. Little things remind me of you. I actually drove past a business. It was the same business you worked for. Damn, that shit hit me like a ton of bricks. It was crazy. The song, "Anywhere With You" always gets me. Coconut Passion lotion. Your love of running that made me want to start running. So. Many. Things. I'm definitely still not ok with you not being in my life. I've come to realize that all things good, don't always last. I feel like there's a reason for everything that happens in life. Even the horrible things that make us want to rip our hair out, or just lay in bed with tears streaming down our face. In fact, those things are the things that will make us stronger people in the end. Those are the things that build character. Cheesy right? I know. And NO, I absolutely don't feel like I've learned any lessons from all this. Yet. But I'm hoping that I will. There's totally no direction in this post. I was just thinking a lot of different things, and felt like writing them down. Or typing, I should say. It's been 38 days. And they've been some of the longest days of my life. Yes, I count. And yes, I've kept track. Is that bad?

Katy Perry To The Rescue.

I got her 'Prism' album a few months ago and I love it so much. There's a lot of fun songs on it, and the bass on the song 'Dark Horse' sounds amazeballs in my car! Eeek. But this song is one that caught me. I tend to listen to the first few songs off an album just so I can learn them, and I hadn't even listened that closely to this one because it was like the very last song on the CD, but it's so pretty. And it almost fits perfectly right now. So, instead of posting another Debbie Downer post, I'm going to share these awesome lyrics! Go listen to it! Ladies, I'm talking to you ;)

"By The Grace Of God"

Was 27 surviving my return of Saturn

A long vacation didn’t sound so bad

Was full of secrets locked up tight like iron mountain

Running on empty so out of gas

Thought I wasn’t enough

Found I wasn’t so tough

Layin’ on the bathroom floor

We were living on a fault line

And I felt the fault was all mine

Couldn’t take it anymore

By the grace of God (there was no other way)

I picked myself back up (I knew I had to stay)

I put one foot in front of the other

And I looked in the mirror and decided to stay

Wasn’t gonna let love take me out that way

I thank my sister for keeping my head above the water

When the truth was like swallowing sand

Now every morning, there is no more mourning

Oh, I can finally see myself again

I know I am enough

Possible to be loved

It was not about me

Now I have to rise above

Let the universe call the bluff

Yeah, the truth’ll set you free

By the grace of God (there was no other way)

I picked myself back up (I knew I had to stay)

I put one foot in front of the other

And I looked in the mirror and decided to stay

Wasn’t gonna let love take me out, oh, that way,

No, that way, no

Not in the name of love

In the name of love

That way, no,

That way, no

I am not giving up

By the grace of God

I picked myself back up

I put one foot in front of the other

And I looked in the mirror (looked in the mirror)

Looked in the mirror (looked in the mirror)

By the grace of God (there was no other way)

I picked myself back up (I knew I had to stay)

I put one foot in front of the other

And I looked in the mirror and decided to stay

Wasn’t gonna let love take me out that way

Playtime Pondering.

You know what? Masturbating just hasn't been as good lately. Yes, I still do it daily. Several times, I might add. It's not near as fun as when I could share it with you. I loved taking pictures for you, sharing them with my dear friends on Lit, or even the special ones that were only for you. I miss how excited I used to be about sharing that side of me with you. The side that you knew better than anyone else. You just knew how to press every single one of the right buttons. How can I find that again? It was more than just sexual. That's why it was so good...because I loved you. And you aroused me in more ways than just between my legs. It was my heart, my mind, and my body. I want that back. I pulled up one of your personal videos today for the first time since everything went to hell. I've wanted to for a while, but I wasn't sure if I could stay focused enough on getting myself off without missing you and feeling like some sort of depressed robot going through the motions. I was lying on my bed, headphones in, fully prepared to go back to that feeling I used to have every time I played one of your videos. I was always so giddy! I heard your voice, the voice I miss so much, playing in my ears and I just closed my eyes and listened for a few minutes. That's it. Just listened. And my heart hurt for a moment. Just a small ache to be able to hear you one more time. Eventually, the things you were saying, the things that push all of those buttons I love so much, eased the pain and distracted me. And before long, I exploded. Like you'd never even left. It was glorious. And I thank you even now, J.

The Blues.

I've been reading some of the saved messages I kept that you wrote to me, this morning. They make my heart ache, J. I hate remembering you this way. You're so far away.  If I had one wish: Come Back....

An Emotional Affair

I know there's a possibility of new readers here. People who don't know me or my story from 'Lit'. So, I'll explain. About a year ago, this month, I met someone on said website. His name will be 'J'. Yes, he was married. Happily. Basically, he posted on my thread and we eventually started sharing private messages on the same website. He wasn't like any of the other men who sent me messages. We had extremely long conversations through these messages. And I mean long. Like, 6-10 paragraphs a message. We shared a lot of things. A lot of it was sexual, but there was also just normal, everyday banter. I just enjoyed talking to him. I'd look forward to his messages every day, pine for them actually. After talking for a month or two through messages, we started talking on a messenger app. From there, we just started talking every day. I don't know how everything happened, or how soon, or how much later on in the 'friendship' that things started to get more serious, but it did.

 I honestly fell in love with this man, without even meeting him. We shared everything but a physical relationship, and some might say that it isn't a true relationship simply because of that fact. That might be true, but regardless of that, I fell for him. I remember the first time we were beating around the bush about 'love'. I just said it. I typed the words, "I love you." It was so scary! I didn't know if that's what he was leaning towards, but I just had to get it out there. I know my heart was pounding like a freight train! I can't imagine actually being face-to-face with him and saying it, if that's what I was feeling simply typing three words of text. He said it back to me and the rest was pretty much history. I loved him. Truly. Madly. And he said he loved me too. I was always skeptical, but that's just me. I had a shitty father, and it's extremely difficult for me to trust men or what they say. I never thought he was lying, I just thought maybe he didn't love me as much or as fully as I loved him. That might not be true, that's just what I felt.

 So, after spending a year investing a massive amount of time talking to him and sharing personal problems, happy times, etc., his wife found out about everything. I don't know how, because I never got to talk to him. I just assumed she got a hold of his phone or something. It doesn't really matter, because he's gone. Everything kind of blew up and just happened so fast. I knew things were going to be bad when he sent me a secretive text Saturday morning after I got off work. My heart dropped, because I knew then that it was probably over between us. He'd always told me he loved his wife, he was happy with his marriage. He never had any intentions of leaving his wife. I knew all of this. I wasn't holding out hope that we were going to leave our spouses and be together forever or something. I just thought he could be someone that I loved. To be honest, for the rest of my life. So, knowing that his wife knew about us, caused an immediate reaction in me. I was scared. The only thing I wanted was to have a conversation with him before we never spoke again. I never got that chance. She used his messaging app to message me, and was asking a few questions. She had copies of chat logs, but none from recently. She wanted to read what I had from the past day, and I told her I wasn't sure she should read it. I pretty much begged her to let me say goodbye to him. She told me she'd think about it. I got a text the next day that read, "My wife is willing to work on things, but I can't ever talk to you again. This is my final chance to talk to you and I just wanted to say goodbye." That's all I got from him. It was cold, and unfeeling. I just wanted something more than that. I knew it was over, but I wanted him to feel something. I wanted him to tell me how much it hurt him to say goodbye to me. How much he was going to miss me. That it would kill him to never hear my voice again. I wanted to hear those things because they were all the things I was feeling, and wanted to say. I simply told him that I was sorry for causing all the mess. I told him I loved him one last time, and that I hoped he had a truly wonderful life with his wife. Sending that message killed me. It still does. I  still have it on my phone. I still continually look at it. I don't know why I keep torturing myself by reading it. Maybe because it seems like he's still there, even though we can never have contact again.

 I'm sure people will tell me to delete everything I have of his, and maybe someday I will. But for now, I couldn't possibly do that. I still need to feel like I have some part of him. Like he's not gone. Like he didn't vanish and take my heart with him. So now, I have to recover from this. And I have to recover from it alone. It's hard to be happy. Put on a happy face for my husband like nothing is wrong. Laugh with my friends and family, when I just want to curl up in a ball and cry. I don't even know how to navigate this. I don't know how to get over this. I feel like I'm bound to be stuck feeling this way for a good long while, and that scares the hell out of me.

I think I just need closure. I wish I had it, because the main question I keep asking myself in my head is, "Do you feel the same way I do, 'J'. Is this killing you as much as it's killing me?"


"And now you’re just a ghost.
When I look back never would have known that
You could be so cold.
Like a stranger vanished like a vapor.
There's just an echo where your heart used to be
Now I see it clearly."

Reasonings & Introductions.

For all intensive purposes, my name here will be 'A'. I plan on sharing a lot of personal information here that I don't share with even my closest friends and family, so I choose to keep certain things private. Those of you who do know my real name: please do NOT share that here if you post or comment.

As for the reason to me starting this blog? I've kind of always wanted to have a blog. I have a lot of random thoughts and rants that I'm always wanting to talk about, but I've never actually taken the time to start one of these things. Now, I pretty much need to write. I need to be able to get things out of my system. I've recently gone through something somewhat traumatic? I don't want to be exaggerative or anything, but it's traumatic to me.

How do I even explain my situation to people who don't already know about it. Without being judged, that is. I'll have to think on this.....

Until tomorrow.

-A