Ultimate: Pt. 2

That was by far the most intense orgasm I've ever had in my life. I vaguely recall you pulling your fingers from my cunt, and leaving the spot between my legs to come rest next to me on the bed. Your wet finger traces my lips. I open my mouth wanting to taste myself. To taste what you've done to me. You slip your finger inside and I suck on it greedily. I love this feeling. I feel like a dirty little slut tasting my orgasm from your finger. It's erotic beyond belief. We lie there in silence, your hands sliding across my body several times over. I softly shove you back to lie flat on the mattress, and crawl between your legs. "My turn", I say with a smile.  Your cock is resting against your stomach, still erect. I have been waiting to taste you for so long. I crawl toward you on the bed, stopping to kneel between your legs. I love how hard you are. And knowing I've made you so hard, turns me on more than you know. I place my hands on your thighs, slowly sliding them upward, moving closer and closer to where you want them most. My hands slide over your hips and up against your stomach. Right above where your cock rests. I want to tease you, make you ache. Just like you did to me. My hands are itching to touch your hardness. I can't resist anymore. I slide the flat of my palm up against your cock, from bottom to top. Once I reach the head, I envelop you in my fist, and take one long stroke up and then back down. Fuck, it feels so good in my hand. So hard and ready. My other hand reaches down and carresses your balls lightly. I'm finally going to have you in my mouth, and I can't fucking wait. I want to make you crazy, insane with lust. I want you to writhe, to moan and groan in pleasure as my mouth takes you into oblivion. You place your hands behind you under your head so that you can watch me. "Your cock makes my mouth water...", I say as I look up at you. I lean down towards your cock, my mouth inches away from the head. My eyes locked on yours, I place my tongue right on the underside and lick up and around the head. I can taste the salty pre-cum  from your arousal. I almost feel like this is doing more for me, than it is for you. My cunt is clenching. Wet and achy. You licking and finger-fucking my cunt to orgasm once barely took the edge off, and sucking your cock has only intensified my need. Finally, I slide my mouth down just barely on the tip of your cock. My lips wrapped around the head, toungue teasing the sensitive underside. You taste incredible. Everything I ever dreamed of. I place my hand at the base of your cock, and start to slide my mouth down further, then back up, creating a tight suction with my lips. I look up at you watching me, and there's a fire in your eyes. You love this. Seeing me on my hands and knees with your cock stretching my mouth open. I continue sucking on your cock, becoming greedier with each stroke down. I set the pace slow, but not to slow. Just enough to make you want more. I know what I want, and I know you want the same thing. You're hesitant because this is our first time together, but I want what I want. "I want you to fuck my throat....". I'm somewhat shocked at my own words. Of course that's what I want, but I didn't think I would voice it so quick. You definitely do something to me. I want to be controlled. Forced down on your cock until I'm choking and gagging all over it. You move from your position lying on the bed to a sitting position against the headboard. I follow you there. It doesn't take long for me to have my mouth back on your cock, bobbing my head up and down. And then I feel your hands in my hair against my head. You guide me up and down, only this time you force me deeper than I was taking you before. I can feel you slide just a little further into the back of my throat with each push down on my head. You're cock is so big, it doesn't take me long to start gagging. I love the feeling. So dirty and slutty. You know exactly what I need. "Take my cock, baby. Every fucking inch." I can't help but reach down between my legs to play with my cunt. I'm soaking from my previous orgasm, and on top of that, I'm incredibly aroused from taking your cock down my throat. Being treated like a filthy fucktoy really gets me going. "God, you're such a slut. You can't keep your hands off your cunt, can you? Look at me while you suck my cock, baby. You're getting me so close to blowing." I can feel how excited you are. You're ready to cum and I've only been sucking and deep-throating your cock for 10 minutes or so. I can't wait to feel you shoot in my mouth. Right down my throat. I've wanted to taste your cum for a while now. Your forcing my head down faster now. Over and over, I'm taking your cock deep. Gagging and drooling all over it. I have to pull off every few seconds to catch my breath and then I'm back to sucking. Your hips are trying to force yourself even further inside my mouth, your hands gripping my hair in your fists. "Don't fucking stop. I'm gonna fucking cum, baby." Your words spur me on. I want it so bad. I take you over and over, trying my best to keep you in my throat for as long as possible without pulling my mouth off. I hear your groan of pleasure following by several curse words mumbled under your breath. I know it's coming. You shove your cock deep into my mouth and hold it there and I feel the first spurt of your cum. Mmm. I'm so fucking excited for your cum, it's filthy. I moan around your cock as you slide out, still spewing cum. One last spurt lands across my chest and slips down between my breasts. I'm covered in it. I have your cum in my belly now after swallowing some of it, all over my tongue and lips, down between my tits. I feel exactly like I wanted to. Like a dirty little whore......

More to come! :)

Ultimate.

I've been daydreaming hardcore about a certain sexual encounter. Anyone that knows me, knows that I have a huge 'older man' fantasy. I would love to experience this at least once in my life. Maybe the lack of sexual intercourse in my marriage right now is what's triggering all these intense thoughts and desires concerning older men. Throw a little light bondage and submission in there, and I am a fucking puddle on the floor. What I really want to do right now is explain exactly what my fantasy entails. Once I start talking about sex, I get carried away and will probably jump all over the place with this, but I digress. Of course this fantasy starts off with an older man. Someone who's in his late thirties to early fourties would be the perfect age. Someone who has enough experience to give me what I want and need. To know what I need without me even saying so. Someone who knows a womans body as well as his own. He'd be wearing a form-fitting suit. Tailored to a T. I'd be wearing some fancy cocktail dress that I wouldn't even dream of wearing in reality. Something with a zipper down the back that you could unzip once we got to our room. Black. With matching bra and panties underneath. We would meet in some fancy hotel in some far-off city where nobody would recognize either of us. There would be no small talk as we made our way into the elevator, or as we walked to our room. We both know what we would be doing. We'd be spending all night fucking. Touching each other. Tasting each other. You'd put the keycard in the slot on the door. The anticipation would be killing me. I'd be wet before you even touched me just thinking of all the things we would do to each other inside that room. You'd take my hand and lead me inside. In my fantasies, once the door was closed, you'd gently push me against the nearest wall, put your hands on either side of my face and kiss me. Not too hard, but hard enough to show me who's in control. My heart is pounding at this point, my cunt is clenching. And only from one kiss. Your hands would wander downward as we continued to kiss. You make no qualms about sliding them right down the front of my dress, barely grazing my breasts until your hands rested on my hips. My arms wrap around your neck as our mouths meld together hungrily. We've both been wanting this for so long, it's hard to not tear each others clothes off immediately. I feel your tongue against mine as our mouths open. My breath catches as we taste each other. It feels so good. I can't imagine anything feeling better. But there's so much more. We'd continue like that for a minute or so until we clumsily move towards the bed, not wanting to take our hands or mouths off of each other. I think you're going to shove me onto the bed, but instead you sit and guide me to stand between your legs. The bulge I see there excites me more than anything ever has. I can only imagine how good you're going to feel inside of me. How good you're going to taste in my mouth. I'm nervous at this point. Not scared, just unsure of how everything is going to happen from this point on. You rest your hands on my waist as I stand in front of you and look up at me. The intense, impassioned look on your face drives me crazy. I don't want to stand here, it's torture. I want to taste your lips again. Grind my aching cunt against the hard-on in your dress pants, while I put my hands on you, but I stand there and let you look. Then your hands move. They move upwards, towards my breasts. My nipples throb beneath my bra, just itching to have your fingers tugging on them. To have your mouth on them, tugging with your teeth. You slide your hands up and cup them against my breasts, squeezing softly. My head falls back. I can't help myself. Just this simple touch feels so incredibly good. The palms of your hands continue to tease my hardened nipples, until you slide your hands back down my belly and slide them around behind me. You grip my ass in your hands and pull me towards you on the bed as you lean back until I'm straddling you. I can feel how hard you are now and it drives me crazy with want. We kiss some more. Finally. The few minutes that passed since you last had your mouth on me felt like hours. Your hands slide up and down my back until you reach the zipper at the top of my dress. You slowly unzip it until it's falling off of my shoulders. I've never been so unsure of my nakedness in all my life, yet so excited for you to see me that way. I want you to like what you see. I want to arouse you like you've never been aroused before. You lean yourself up against the headboard, I scoot forward on your lap until we're both in a sitting position. You lift the dress up and over my head and toss it on the floor beside the bed. Then, you just look at me. You stare at my body, looking from my face down to my breasts that fill out the pretty lace bra. You grip then in your hands once more, squeezing harder. I can tell you're getting impatient, but I want to undress you now more than ever. I want to see you. Touch your skin. Feel it against mine. You've long since lost the suit jacket and shoes. I reach for up and untie your tie, sliding it from around your neck and onto the bed. The buttons on your shirt come next, until I slide that too off of your shoulders. Finally, I can feel your skin. It's hot to my touch. I lift your t-shirt up and off of you. God, you're so incredibly sexy. Perfect. My hands have itched to touch your chest for so long, I slide my hands from your shoulders down to your chest, through the smattering of hair there. Your hands are once again resting on my hips, and I slowly move against you. I need the friction of your cock against my cunt. I'm ready to impale myself on you right here and now, but there's so many things to do before that. So many ways to explore each others bodies. I lean down and kiss your lips. Those sexy, pouty lips I love so much. Our tongues tangle as we rock against each other. I kiss my way down your cheek and to your neck. Your skin tastes so good. I smell your cologne. You smell so ridiculously good, I don't want to take my mouth from that spot. I kiss my way down your chest, tasting you all over. Your hands are gripping my hips harder now. You're forcing my panty-covered pussy down harder against that bulge. I moan as the friction connects, and hits my cunt in just the right spot. I think you've had enough of the slow teasing by now. You're rock hard and aching, and my cunt is so wet. You could easily slide inside me without a problem. You flip me over onto my back and lean over me. Your mouth trails kisses down my neck and into my cleavage. In my fantasies you rip my bra off because you can't fucking wait any longer. Your lips lock onto my nipples. You tease them with the tip of your tongue, swirling them around and around, tugging them with your teeth just hard enough to hurt but still feel intensely pleasurable. I moan and writhe beneath you. It feels amazing. So good. You don't take long there, which is perfectly ok with me because I know where you're headed. I know in a few seconds I'm going to feel that delicios mouth against my hot, aching pussy. My need for you is so strong, I'm already rocking my hips in anticipation as you kiss your way down from my breasts to my belly and even lower. You slide my panties down my legs and off. You sit and look at me lying there before you completely naked. I've never felt sexier. The lust in your eyes incites mine. "Spread your legs for me", you say. And it's one of the hottest things I've ever heard. I want your pants off first. I wanna see your cock thicken as you taste my cunt. I wanna see what it does to you. I want to see you fist it in your hand because you can't hardly stand to wait any longer. You unbuckle your belt at the edge of the bed. Another thing that turns me on. You remove your pants and boxers, and now you stand before me naked too. Fuck, you are so goddamn sexy. Your cock is perfect. Thick, and pointing upwards. So hard for me. All mine. I can't wait to have it in my mouth. You crawl back on the bed, gripping my legs and shoving them back. My cunt is exposed. Dripping wet already. The things you say as you look make me insane. "God, your pussy is so beautiful. So wet for me. I can't wait any longer. I need to taste you." You kiss the top of my cunt, lick it. Then you kiss your way down until you've planted a kiss right at the very bottom, right against my wet opening. My body moves on the bed, my head thrown back. You take ony long slow lick right up against my wet, aching slit. I feel like I could cum from one lick alone. You continue your slow assault on my wet pussy until I'm begging for more. Begging for you to spread me open and suck. Suck on my clit. Lick it hard. You give me exactly what I want and more. Before I know it, you're placing your tongue against my opening and forcing it in. "You taste so fucking good, baby. I can't get enough of you." I love hearing this. I feel that I'm on the edge. I'm so close to cumming and you've hardly spent any time tasting me. That's how ready I am. You tease with your fingers as well as with your mouth, rubbing my hard clit in slow circles. You slip your fingers up and down my slit. "Fuck, that feels so good. Don't stop. I'm going to cum any minute...." You move your finger down against my opening, your tongue swirling around my clit at the same time. I'm about to lose control. Just as I feel my orgasm hitting, you force your finger inside me. Fast. It's deep. "Oh my god, you're going to make me cum. Please make me cum", I beg. And I spiral over the edge, moaning and writhing against your face. The orgasm is so strong, I can hardly catch my breath from it....


I'm losing sleep writing this. It's almost 4am! The baby has been asleep for about an hour and I need to get some rest. I really hope someone out there enjoys reading this. I'm curious what people think of my writing. OH, and this is obviously NOT finished. It's just where I'm stopping tonight! Thanks for reading :-)

The Good & The Bad.

Wow! It seems that each time I post something new here, it's because something drastic has happened in my life. I really would love to keep a current update going here but that's so difficult as of late. The last time I posted here was in December of last year. It's now almost 6 months later, and I am......TA DA! A new mom! And can I just tell you that I have never experienced something so wonderful in all my life. I remember when I was pregnant thinking that I wouldn't be able to do this whole motherhood thing right. I was terrified of the entire process. I was scared to death to go into labor, birth a child, and then care for him the rest of my life. I realize this isn't an uncommon feeling, I'm just letting everyone know my thought process before he was born! And now, he's 10 weeks old and I've made it so far. It really does come alot more naturally than I thought it would. I was worried I wouldn't be able to handle not sleeping more than an hour in a 24-hour period, but that hasn't even crossed my mind most of the time. I went back to work a few weeks ago, and for those of you that don't know, I work overnights. I went back and I was so worn out those first few days, but I remember thinking that I was so excited to go home at 5am and be with my baby. Even if  I had to go without sleep all day. He is everything I've ever wanted and didn't even know it. There is truly no greater love, I feel. Its like experiencing every emotion under the sun all at once. Fear, happiness, doubt, love, exhaustion, frustration, excitement. It's crazy! Someone recently asked me how I was doing, and I told them: "I'm doing good and bad. Is that possible?" Since this is my blog and personal outlet, what better place to share my feelings. The motherhood thing is going great. I couldn't be happier. But when it comes to my marriage, I feel like we're far apart again. I felt so close to him while I was pregnant. The thought of us welcoming our own little baby into the world made us that way. We were excited! And now that we have him, I feel like it's almost back to the way it was before we found out. I understand that we don't have time for each other like we did before, but there's more to it than that. I feel no connection to him whatsoever these days. I kiss him on the lips before he goes to work and I feel nothing. I hate it. And the fact that he hasn't even attempted to have sex with me or initiate any kind of intimacy really just honestly pisses me off beyond belief. It's the absolute most petty thing to complain about, but I really feel like it's the biggest problem we have. We lack a sexual connection. We don't have sex. How can you be close to your partner when they don't touch you, they don't try? You can't. And I crave that more than anything in this world. What woman doesn't want to be wanted? Every single person wants that, and I don't get it. I'm not going to say it's all his fault, because these past few months have been insanely rough on my vagina. LOL. But, it's the thought that counts, right? I thought he would be a little desperate to try again after so long, but I'M the one asking him to have sex. And I'm the one that's going to hurt! That's definitely saying something! I could go on and on about all the problems I have, and what's not going my way right now, but you know what? You gotta take the good with the bad, and right now my good far outweighs my bad.

A Turn of Events

The last time I created a blog post was in July of this year. Wow! That seems like so long ago. I almost feel like a different person now. Actually, in a lot of ways I AM a different person. Was I happy and content five months ago? Absolutely not. Not even close. Am I completely happy and content now? No, not exactly, but I'm far happier than I have been in a really long time. I think most people know my little sob story about the online 'love' affair I was having a year ago, that ended in March. It's hard to believe that I'm over that now. I was so stuck back then. I thought I would be depressed forever. I thought I wouldn't ever get over that. I even thought at one point that it would ruin my marriage. Not because my husband couldn't get over it, but because I couldn't get over it. I couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel. What's kind of ironic is something amazing came out of that huge disaster. I think most of the people that read my blog, also read what I post on Lit. If you're one of the rare people that only knows me from this blog, than you wont know that I'm currently twelve weeks away from having my first child. Yes, I'm about 7 months pregnant! Now back to the irony of all this. After I was contacted by the man's wife, with whom I had been talking to for over a year, I had to tell my husband everything that had happened. This was in the very beginning of June. Me and him didn't talk for days after that whole debacle. A couple days later, we finally talked to each other. I cried, he cried. And that day we had 'make-up' sex. Saying it that way seems to kind of trivialize how cathartic it actually was for the both of us, but I digress. Here's where the irony comes in. That day, was the day that I conceived our son! Crazy, right? One of the biggest mistakes (I see that now) that I've ever made, turned into one of the most incredibly amazing things that I could ever have imagined. It had to have been in God's crazy plan for me to get pregnant at that point in my life. Me and my husband had been having unprotected sex for almost 4 years, and I'd never gotten pregnant until June of this year. It's almost a miracle. A definite saving grace. I honestly think it saved my marriage too. I honestly don't think I've ever felt closer to him in the 5 years that we've been together. I was worried that I would never be able to be a mother, and now I'm going to be one in three months! So, for anyone who's been wondering how I'm really, truly feeling these days? This is it. I'm happy, terrified, excited, overwhelmed. I think I've been feeling almost every emotion under the sun these past few months. It's probably the little guy growing in my belly! The one thing I want you to get from this post, is that I'm happy! No more whining about what happened before, I have so many more exciting things to look forward to in my life! Also, because I'm totally an inspirational speaker, remember that everything happens for a reason. You might not see it in the hard times, and the times when you're down and depressed and want to scream, but when you finally turn that corner and something unexpectedly good happens, you'll know. You'll know that all that crying and tug-of-war within your soul was for a reason.

Sex.

I realize that certain people only want one thing from me. Sex.

Sex. Sex. Sex.

I like sex, but I need a connection. I crave a connection.

Things feel disjointed. Life feels all muddled. Ah well.

Lyrical.

Sara Bareilles' voice is so beautiful. This song nearly brings me to tears when I listen to it.

Just a small part of my day that I wanted to share with you. Go listen to it.

Breathe Again

Car is parked, bags are packed, but what kind of heart doesn't look back

At the comfortable glow from the porch, the one I will still call yours?

All those words came undone and now I'm not the only one

Facing the ghosts that decide if the fire inside still burns

All I have, all I need, he's the air I would kill to breathe

Holds my love in his hands, still I'm searching for something

Out of breath, I am left hoping someday I'll breathe again

I'll breathe again

Open up next to you and my secrets become your truth

And the distance between that was sheltering me comes in full view

Hang my head, break my heart built from all I have torn apart

And my burden to bear is a love I can't carry anymore

All I have, all I need, he's the air I would kill to breathe

Holds my love in his hands, still I'm searching for something

Out of breath, I am left hoping someday I'll breathe again

It hurts to be here

I only wanted love from you

It hurts to be here

What am I gonna do?

All I have, all I need, he's the air I would kill to breathe

Holds my love in his hands, still I'm searching

All I have, all I need, he's the air I would kill to breathe

Holds my love in his hands, still I'm searching for something

Out of breath, I am left hoping someday I'll breathe again

I'll breathe again

Melancholy.

Spending my birthday without you really sucks. Horribly. I'm happy, but I miss you today more than usual, J.

Eastbound.

Why does the sunrise remind me of you? God, that sounds fucking ridiculous. Every morning when I get off of work, I drive over a highway that heads East and can clearly see the sun rising. I guess that's why it reminds me of you. I look down that highway and think of how easy it would be to take a right and just drive. Towards you. I know that would never be acceptable, but it's what I think about. In a perfect world, right?

I need to write. A lot of things have been building up in my mind, lately. Energy eludes me at the moment, though. I need sleep. Until next time, internet universe.

Drunken Ramblings.

I've had 4 beers tonight. I'm intoxicated. I'm lonely. I'm sad. I'm hopeful. So many different emotions. I think whenever I drink, I turn to nostalgia. Those of you who have been reading my blog know that like 4 out 5 posts on here have been about him. And I'm sorry if it's getting old, or annoying, but that's just the way shit is. Someone who's been part of your life for that long doesn't just go away overnight. Thoughts of him don't go away in a few days, or after you've cried a few tears. Or even a few months. To be honest, I don't think they'll ever go away, but that's just me. It is true that I haven't hurt as much these days. I haven't cried for almost a week and a half. I haven't looked at your profile hoping to see that you'd logged on. I haven't read any of the things that I saved, from you. So, I guess at this point you could say I'm coping. That's the best way I can describe things right now. I don't think about you 24 hours a day, like I did before. Of course, I still think about you several times throughout my day. Little things remind me of you. I actually drove past a business. It was the same business you worked for. Damn, that shit hit me like a ton of bricks. It was crazy. The song, "Anywhere With You" always gets me. Coconut Passion lotion. Your love of running that made me want to start running. So. Many. Things. I'm definitely still not ok with you not being in my life. I've come to realize that all things good, don't always last. I feel like there's a reason for everything that happens in life. Even the horrible things that make us want to rip our hair out, or just lay in bed with tears streaming down our face. In fact, those things are the things that will make us stronger people in the end. Those are the things that build character. Cheesy right? I know. And NO, I absolutely don't feel like I've learned any lessons from all this. Yet. But I'm hoping that I will. There's totally no direction in this post. I was just thinking a lot of different things, and felt like writing them down. Or typing, I should say. It's been 38 days. And they've been some of the longest days of my life. Yes, I count. And yes, I've kept track. Is that bad?

Katy Perry To The Rescue.

I got her 'Prism' album a few months ago and I love it so much. There's a lot of fun songs on it, and the bass on the song 'Dark Horse' sounds amazeballs in my car! Eeek. But this song is one that caught me. I tend to listen to the first few songs off an album just so I can learn them, and I hadn't even listened that closely to this one because it was like the very last song on the CD, but it's so pretty. And it almost fits perfectly right now. So, instead of posting another Debbie Downer post, I'm going to share these awesome lyrics! Go listen to it! Ladies, I'm talking to you ;)

"By The Grace Of God"

Was 27 surviving my return of Saturn

A long vacation didn’t sound so bad

Was full of secrets locked up tight like iron mountain

Running on empty so out of gas

Thought I wasn’t enough

Found I wasn’t so tough

Layin’ on the bathroom floor

We were living on a fault line

And I felt the fault was all mine

Couldn’t take it anymore

By the grace of God (there was no other way)

I picked myself back up (I knew I had to stay)

I put one foot in front of the other

And I looked in the mirror and decided to stay

Wasn’t gonna let love take me out that way

I thank my sister for keeping my head above the water

When the truth was like swallowing sand

Now every morning, there is no more mourning

Oh, I can finally see myself again

I know I am enough

Possible to be loved

It was not about me

Now I have to rise above

Let the universe call the bluff

Yeah, the truth’ll set you free

By the grace of God (there was no other way)

I picked myself back up (I knew I had to stay)

I put one foot in front of the other

And I looked in the mirror and decided to stay

Wasn’t gonna let love take me out, oh, that way,

No, that way, no

Not in the name of love

In the name of love

That way, no,

That way, no

I am not giving up

By the grace of God

I picked myself back up

I put one foot in front of the other

And I looked in the mirror (looked in the mirror)

Looked in the mirror (looked in the mirror)

By the grace of God (there was no other way)

I picked myself back up (I knew I had to stay)

I put one foot in front of the other

And I looked in the mirror and decided to stay

Wasn’t gonna let love take me out that way

Playtime Pondering.

You know what? Masturbating just hasn't been as good lately. Yes, I still do it daily. Several times, I might add. It's not near as fun as when I could share it with you. I loved taking pictures for you, sharing them with my dear friends on Lit, or even the special ones that were only for you. I miss how excited I used to be about sharing that side of me with you. The side that you knew better than anyone else. You just knew how to press every single one of the right buttons. How can I find that again? It was more than just sexual. That's why it was so good...because I loved you. And you aroused me in more ways than just between my legs. It was my heart, my mind, and my body. I want that back. I pulled up one of your personal videos today for the first time since everything went to hell. I've wanted to for a while, but I wasn't sure if I could stay focused enough on getting myself off without missing you and feeling like some sort of depressed robot going through the motions. I was lying on my bed, headphones in, fully prepared to go back to that feeling I used to have every time I played one of your videos. I was always so giddy! I heard your voice, the voice I miss so much, playing in my ears and I just closed my eyes and listened for a few minutes. That's it. Just listened. And my heart hurt for a moment. Just a small ache to be able to hear you one more time. Eventually, the things you were saying, the things that push all of those buttons I love so much, eased the pain and distracted me. And before long, I exploded. Like you'd never even left. It was glorious. And I thank you even now, J.

The Blues.

I've been reading some of the saved messages I kept that you wrote to me, this morning. They make my heart ache, J. I hate remembering you this way. You're so far away.  If I had one wish: Come Back....

An Emotional Affair

I know there's a possibility of new readers here. People who don't know me or my story from 'Lit'. So, I'll explain. About a year ago, this month, I met someone on said website. His name will be 'J'. Yes, he was married. Happily. Basically, he posted on my thread and we eventually started sharing private messages on the same website. He wasn't like any of the other men who sent me messages. We had extremely long conversations through these messages. And I mean long. Like, 6-10 paragraphs a message. We shared a lot of things. A lot of it was sexual, but there was also just normal, everyday banter. I just enjoyed talking to him. I'd look forward to his messages every day, pine for them actually. After talking for a month or two through messages, we started talking on a messenger app. From there, we just started talking every day. I don't know how everything happened, or how soon, or how much later on in the 'friendship' that things started to get more serious, but it did.

 I honestly fell in love with this man, without even meeting him. We shared everything but a physical relationship, and some might say that it isn't a true relationship simply because of that fact. That might be true, but regardless of that, I fell for him. I remember the first time we were beating around the bush about 'love'. I just said it. I typed the words, "I love you." It was so scary! I didn't know if that's what he was leaning towards, but I just had to get it out there. I know my heart was pounding like a freight train! I can't imagine actually being face-to-face with him and saying it, if that's what I was feeling simply typing three words of text. He said it back to me and the rest was pretty much history. I loved him. Truly. Madly. And he said he loved me too. I was always skeptical, but that's just me. I had a shitty father, and it's extremely difficult for me to trust men or what they say. I never thought he was lying, I just thought maybe he didn't love me as much or as fully as I loved him. That might not be true, that's just what I felt.

 So, after spending a year investing a massive amount of time talking to him and sharing personal problems, happy times, etc., his wife found out about everything. I don't know how, because I never got to talk to him. I just assumed she got a hold of his phone or something. It doesn't really matter, because he's gone. Everything kind of blew up and just happened so fast. I knew things were going to be bad when he sent me a secretive text Saturday morning after I got off work. My heart dropped, because I knew then that it was probably over between us. He'd always told me he loved his wife, he was happy with his marriage. He never had any intentions of leaving his wife. I knew all of this. I wasn't holding out hope that we were going to leave our spouses and be together forever or something. I just thought he could be someone that I loved. To be honest, for the rest of my life. So, knowing that his wife knew about us, caused an immediate reaction in me. I was scared. The only thing I wanted was to have a conversation with him before we never spoke again. I never got that chance. She used his messaging app to message me, and was asking a few questions. She had copies of chat logs, but none from recently. She wanted to read what I had from the past day, and I told her I wasn't sure she should read it. I pretty much begged her to let me say goodbye to him. She told me she'd think about it. I got a text the next day that read, "My wife is willing to work on things, but I can't ever talk to you again. This is my final chance to talk to you and I just wanted to say goodbye." That's all I got from him. It was cold, and unfeeling. I just wanted something more than that. I knew it was over, but I wanted him to feel something. I wanted him to tell me how much it hurt him to say goodbye to me. How much he was going to miss me. That it would kill him to never hear my voice again. I wanted to hear those things because they were all the things I was feeling, and wanted to say. I simply told him that I was sorry for causing all the mess. I told him I loved him one last time, and that I hoped he had a truly wonderful life with his wife. Sending that message killed me. It still does. I  still have it on my phone. I still continually look at it. I don't know why I keep torturing myself by reading it. Maybe because it seems like he's still there, even though we can never have contact again.

 I'm sure people will tell me to delete everything I have of his, and maybe someday I will. But for now, I couldn't possibly do that. I still need to feel like I have some part of him. Like he's not gone. Like he didn't vanish and take my heart with him. So now, I have to recover from this. And I have to recover from it alone. It's hard to be happy. Put on a happy face for my husband like nothing is wrong. Laugh with my friends and family, when I just want to curl up in a ball and cry. I don't even know how to navigate this. I don't know how to get over this. I feel like I'm bound to be stuck feeling this way for a good long while, and that scares the hell out of me.

I think I just need closure. I wish I had it, because the main question I keep asking myself in my head is, "Do you feel the same way I do, 'J'. Is this killing you as much as it's killing me?"


"And now you’re just a ghost.
When I look back never would have known that
You could be so cold.
Like a stranger vanished like a vapor.
There's just an echo where your heart used to be
Now I see it clearly."

Reasonings & Introductions.

For all intensive purposes, my name here will be 'A'. I plan on sharing a lot of personal information here that I don't share with even my closest friends and family, so I choose to keep certain things private. Those of you who do know my real name: please do NOT share that here if you post or comment.

As for the reason to me starting this blog? I've kind of always wanted to have a blog. I have a lot of random thoughts and rants that I'm always wanting to talk about, but I've never actually taken the time to start one of these things. Now, I pretty much need to write. I need to be able to get things out of my system. I've recently gone through something somewhat traumatic? I don't want to be exaggerative or anything, but it's traumatic to me.

How do I even explain my situation to people who don't already know about it. Without being judged, that is. I'll have to think on this.....

Until tomorrow.

-A